either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
