I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
if only i could text you this smell
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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