No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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