When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
