I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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