We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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