Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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