i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
