I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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