If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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