No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
