Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
