Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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