see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
