i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
