He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
