I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
