Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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