At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
