You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
