And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
