If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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