My Higher Power is John Stamos
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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