Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
