he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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