It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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