hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
