my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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