just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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