I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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