Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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