remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
