You made me cry and you don't even care
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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