In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
