The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
