do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
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he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
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And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize