Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
