Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
