I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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