he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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