I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
