So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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