You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
