bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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