Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
