Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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