id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
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Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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