Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
