I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
