Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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