Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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