Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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