I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
