So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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